Twilight gone wrong
by MattelUni
Summary: "Too, gasp, many, gasp, idiots, gasp, in, gasp, my, gasp, house, gasp." She managed before fainting in his arms. Twilight gone so wrong, it's not funny. It's just a crack fic now... No plot in sight.
1. Breaking up with Edward Loser

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or facebook (think I mentioned that in here), or anything related to twilight, in anyway

Enjoy

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**Twilight Gone Wrong, Chapter 1**

Bella leaned back into his chest.

"What the heck do you think you're doing?" He asked. She turned around and glared at him.

"I'm trying to get romantic. What does it look like I'm doing?" He snorted and allowed her to lean against him.

Edward wasn't so bad; he was just a little, for lack of a better word, inconsiderate.

"Bella, do you like me?" He asked her. She laughed.

"What do you think?" She retorted.

"I think you do." He said with a air to his tone.

"And what make you so sure?" She inquired.

He puffed out his chest and smiled. "Well because I am the like biggest star, and there are literal girls in the **double digits** that are waiting, right off the set to like, take me out or something. Why would you be any different?"

She pushed away from him and stood up.

"Ugh, you no good, dirty rotten..." She said glaring at him. He looked at her incredulously. "You insignificant dirty rotten vampire! How dare you? And for a moment there, I actually liked you! I mean what was the writer doing? Trying to kill me? Jeez, you're worse than Victoria! And she did try to kill me!" She stopped, running out of air. Her chest moved quickly up and down. "Oh and one more thing, real men **DO NOT SPARKLE**!"

He winced, tears coming to his eyes. "Don't scream at me Bella, you know I'm sensitive." He started wailing and rolling around on the ground. Her mouth fell open and she smiled, grabbing her phone.

"This is so going on facebook."

Someone walked up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him.

"Oh, hey Laurent!" She said, still filming Edward. He grinned at her.

"I see you have put the great Edward Cullen in his place." She nodded.

"I was only too happy to obliged." She felt Laurent's hand suddenly reach around her in a gentle way…

**SLAP**

He rubbed his face. "Oww!" He complained. "What was that for?" She scowled at him.

"As you can see, I have just gotten out of a relationship, so if you would not mind giving me some space." She said coolly. He just mumbled and started walking away. Edward had stopped rolling around and was getting up. He sniffled.

"Bella?" He said quietly. "Will you marry me?"

**SLAP**

Thus started the vicious cycle again.

* * *

She had been forced to get a ride home from the blood sucker, after all tonight was cold, and sleeping where Laurent could get to her, was not appealing.

_'I should have known he was a wimp, ever since we played that baseball game. He ran like a girl and couldn't pitch, for the life of him.'_

He stopped the car in front of her house and leaned over to kiss her.

"Not on your life." She said, quickly gathering her things and leaving his presents.

"It's a good thing I'm dead then!" Edward called out, waving out from his car. She sighed and waited till he had driven away before coming near her house. Something wasn't right though. The lights that were usually on in the house were not, everything was dark. She rushed in only to drop her mouth and stuff onto the floor.

"Hello Bella." Said a soothing voice. It was Jacob, in the middle of her floor, with candles all around him, and a rose between his lips. He had no shirt, but had done her the honor of keeping his pants. She quickly composed herself.

"I break up with Edward for five minutes and already you try to get me." She shock her finger at him, fake scolding. "I thought you were better than that." She said smiling. He smiled too. Spitting out the rose and standing up. He looked slightly embarrassed.

"Yeah, I know it really isn't me but…" He trailed off and Bella could not help but giggle when he moved his eyebrows up and down. Suddenly his eyes went very serious and he walked over to her, embracing her.

"I am sorry," He said softly. "About your break up. Are you alright?" She nodded and pressed her face into his shirt.

"Why I didn't break up with that pig in the first book I have no idea." She said completing the embrace by wrapping her arms around him too.

"You know that's very insulting to pigs everywhere." He laughed.

"You know it." She agreed. Looking over his shoulder, she saw something move in the corner of her eyes. "What was that?" She asked. Jacob shrugged and turned on a light. Bella gasped as her father with his mouth gaged and his arms and legs tied fell into a undignified heap. Bella stifled a giggle and stared with humor at Jacob.

"What? He said I couldn't use my candles!"

* * *

First I wish to thank you for reading.

Second I wish to say that this is my first, so do be nice with the comments :)

Third, a thanks to my friend, MaeBTrubble who I have secretly stolen from, go see her stories to make up for it, please (0-0) (puppy dog eyes)

Again thank you and I will be updating soon, I hope...


	2. Slobbery Love

Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight, even after all this time… (I don't own YouTube either)

Enjoy

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**Chapter Two**

It was late and Edward sat on the edge of his bed. It was all that dogs fault, he knew it. This had nothing to do with his perfect personality, and Jacob was the one to blame.

He had tried being nice to the thing, he had tried dog bones, and belly rub, but no, that dog had to come in and take Bella from him.

_'Sick, just sick. Bella is my girl, I deserve her, and I mean I'm the coolest guy ever.'_

He sighed and continues staring at the ceiling. Alice comes in and sits next to him. She puts her head on his shoulders.

"So now that you're single, want to go get something to eat?"

* * *

Bella also sat on the edge of her bed. It was all that dogs fault, and she was thankful. It had everything to do with his comforting words and his soft wolf fur when he transformed. She was thankful for him sticking around as long as he did.

Something hard hit her window and she looked up. Another one follow, crashing through her window, it was a tiny rock. She walked over to the broken glass where Jacob was looking up at her window.

"Hey, look out I'm coming up." She nodded and moved as he flung himself up into her room.

"Bella, is everything ok up there?" It was her father calling from the ground floor.

"Everything's fine dad." She assured him.

"Ok, but that better not be Edward, I don't want him in your room anymore, understand?" He lectured.

"Yes daddy." She called before looking back at her shattered window.

"Sorry." Jacob said sheepishly. She sighed.

"This is what happened last time when Edward first came up, he bumped into it like a bird; claiming not to have seen the stuff."

"Humph." He said. "This is what happens when writers have too much time on their hands."

She shrugged and sat down on her bed again. "And to think, that spawned a million dollar corporation!"

Jacob laughed lightly. "Who would have thought?" She agreed with a nod. He sat down next to her and she rested her head on his shoulder. He reached over and pulled a pillow into his lap. She looked questioningly at him, he shrugged.

"What? This thing is rated T, can't have you getting all 'M' on me." He smiled at Bella, and then gently moved her head onto the pillow. Stroking one hand through her hair, she falls asleep.

* * *

"Bella, Bella, you awake?" A sweet voice called from her dreams. She blinked open one eye and looked at the werewolf sitting on her bed, supporting her body. She yawned.

"Yeah, I'm awake now, thanks." Her voice was laced with sarcasm. All she wanted was to go back to bed.

"Ok, good, then maybe I was hoping after I get my good morning kiss, we could go do something." He said hopefully.

"Who said you were getting a good morning kiss?" She asked. This was something Edward would do, not Jacob.

His face fell. "So I'm not getting my good morning kiss?" He asked sadly. She smiled and pulled him in for one anyways.

When they pulled apart, Jacob started to feel behind him.

'A present already?' Bella wondered to herself.

Sadly no. She watched curiously as the werewolf brought a dog bone to him mouth, chewed on it slightly, then dropped it into Bella's lap, slobber fully included.

_'Lovely.'_

* * *

Once she had gotten new clothes, mind you she had laid them out on her bed, she wasn't going to wear the terrible things, she and Jacob had gotten into the car, where he had driven them to the park. Hiding behind the car he had changed into his wolf form. Bella was still impressed with the size of his form.

She pulled the bone out from under her coat. Jacob suddenly watched her intensely. She stood slowly, not making any sudden movements.

"Here boy, you want the bone, you want to bone boy!" She taunted. Jacob started to drool uncontrollably. "Then here, go fetch!"

She turned quickly and through the bone with all her strength. Unfortunately, since they were still behind the truck, she through the bone right into the pick-up part of her pick-up truck. The bone hit hard, and smashed into two pieces. She gasped, and Jacob, thinking she had thrown it far, jumped over her, over her pick-up truck, and over his bone as he ran wildly to try and find it.

She pulled out her phone again. "This is going on YouTube."

* * *

Bella leaned back against him. He did not growl, or ask her what she was doing, he wrapped his arms around her instead.

They were sitting, on the edge of the forest, watching the stars. Jacob sat against a tree and Bella against him.

"Bella, do you like me?" He asked her. She snuggled closer.

"What do you think?" She said with love sketched into her voice.

"I don't think so…" He said unhappily. She turned and looked at him, and proved him way wrong.

She kissed him, again.

(And as the author, I could go into details, but I will leave that part for you )

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Ok, so how was it?

A thanks to theisis, Keira-Senju-Uchiha, and ilovethetw ilightsaga gradof2018

Thank you people, glad you liked.

Please review, please keep reading, there should be more soon.

Faithful writer,

MattelUni


	3. SHOWER!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I have decided that this will be mostly between Bella and Jacob, and a little about the rest of the Cullen family at the beginning of the chapters.

Enjoy

* * *

She leaned in closer and listened to his heart.

_Thump, Thump, Thump_

She had just woken up after sleeping nestled in Jacob's arms under the stars.

_Thump, Thump, Thump_

She moved closer, if possible and he, being evidently awake, put his arms around her.

_Thump, Thump, Thump_

She looked up to see his face, and maybe get another kiss. The sight almost made her scream…

**SLAP**

"Hey! What was that for?" Laurent complained as she stood up haughtily.

"Where's Jacob!" She screamed at him. He shrugged.

"All I know is that when I came over he swore he would rip me apart, so I lead him away, he smelled Victoria took off after her, and I came back to find you were very lonely…"

**SLAP**

"Get away from me you pervert!" She screamed as his eyes turned red. "What? What are you doing?" She said backing away.

"You know, your blood last night was very good…"

"You sucked my blood!" She screamed at him again. He nodded. "Then why aren't I a vampire?"

"Because," He said as if it were obvious. "Only non-perverted vampires have the power to turn humans into a vampire, it helps to not create more perverts than necessary."

She looked at him curiously. "So you mean Edward never had the power to transform me?" He just nodded.

Suddenly a tired (human) Jacob came up beside Bella with a carcass of a mauled woman in his mouth. One look from Bella and he dropped it. She looked at him distastefully.

"Don't worry; I'll wash before I kiss you." He reassured her.

* * *

Alice and Edward sat across from each other at the restaurant they had gone to.

"Oh Edward, you're so funny!" She said laughing. He smiled. It hadn't been that funny, but he knew it was good. He tried again.

"Ok here's another. Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana!" She erupted into laughter, and seeing as how it was contagious, he laughed too. His second date with Alice was going well, and she was keeping his mind off of Bella.

"Ok my turn." She said.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Aww don't cry, I'm here."

She frowned as her joke was met with silence.

* * *

After Jacob had carried the carcass of the dead Victoria, he had dug a large hole, with his hands, and he buried her like a bone saying, he would use it later.

"You're disgusting, you know that?" Bella said, moving to go back into her house. He just smiled like an idiot.

"I know." He followed her like a dog into her house.

"What smells like dead…?" Bella's father walked in. He sighed. "Well at least it isn't Edward." He sighed again and walked up the stairs, leaving them.

"Go take a shower," Bella said, walking to the kitchen. Jacob frowned. "Please?" She said behind her.

Suddenly the front door banged open.

"Bella? You wanted to take a shower with this monkey!" Edward screamed at her. Jacob snarled and her eye brows shot up.

"You think, so wrong Edward! And why do you even care, we're not dating anymore!" Edward glared at her.

"So we were going to take a shower together…" Jacob said proudly.

"No!" She turned and he frowned. "I'm not taking a shower with anyone!" She protested.

"Accept me!" Charlie yelled from his room upstairs.

"No, she's taking a shower with me!" Laurent said, walking in.

"Who let you in, you pervert?" Edward snarled at Laurent.

"Who let you in, you leech?" Jacob snarled at Edward.

"Who let me in?" Charlie asked, again from upstairs. "Oh, that's right it's my house, I let myself in."

Bella suddenly fell to the floor. Jacob ran and held her in his arms.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Too, _gasp_, many, _gasp,_ idiots, _gasp_, in, _gasp_, my, _gasp,_ house, _gasp_." She managed before fainting in his arms.

* * *

When she woke up, it was dark. She was in a strange bed, in a strange room, in a strange house. There were noises coming from the other room. She got up slowly and tip-toed out of the room. Following the noise, she entered what looked to be a kitchen.

"Bella, you're awake!" Jacob ran up to her and held her.

"Where, where am I? She asked softly.

"Oh, yes this is, my house, and this is the pack that you've meet before." He motioned to the shirtless men, sitting around a small table, each with a beer, each playing poker, and each had an ace up their sleeve, literally.

"Welcome back to the land of the living Bella, we've seen, I mean heard so much about you." She smiled warmly at the man addressing her. "The name's John." He stood and walked over to her. "I'm new, so maybe, you and I could, take a shower." He concluded.

**SLAP**

"Why does everyone want to take a shower with me!" She yelled.

"Because you make shower time fun, and us being dogs, we hate showers." Jacob said. She glared at him and Sam walked in.

"Ah, the shower girl I've been hearing so much about!"

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Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. Please review, sorry for the long update,

MattelUni


	4. Dah Fight

Bella sighed. It was soft, so soft, what she was lying against. She curled closer to the soft, to the warmth. She was here, for real, with Jacob. She was in Jacob house and she was taking a nap with him or more on him because he was in his wolf form.

She entertained her fingers with his wolf fur. She had her ear on his wolf chest, and the rest of her small body was curled against him.

A soft noise, almost like a purr came from inside him.

"Morning Jacob." She said to him. She felt his head move around and nuzzle her back. She very slowly flipped around and hugged him around his neck. He licked her on the cheek and she giggled, moving between his front paws. They wrapped around her and pulled her closer.

"What are we doing today?" She asked. He answered with seven gentle purrs. She just nodded like she understood perfectly. Suddenly his grip on her intensified as someone walked in.

"Morning dog." It was Alice. Jacob turned back. Now Bella was sitting in his lap, his arms still around her.

"Morning leech." He said back. She glared at them both.

"I have a message from Edward; he has challenged you to a fight." Bella stiffened.

"Tell him I'll be at the usual place." Jacob answered, turning his full attention back to Bella.

"Good, I'll make sure to tell him." And with that she was gone.

* * *

**Sometime later…**

* * *

They were at the usual place now, and Bella was no happy. Edward was in one corner and Jacob in the other.

They were in her old dance studio.

"Alright, remember, the rules are, there are no rules, and the winner takes Bella."

"Does no one care about who I want?"

"No, ok, GOOOOO!"

Then the two men started circling each other. Growling and hissing, shorting and smirking. That's when it happened, they started dancing.

Jacob proceeded to tap his toes in elaborate ways, and Edward started jumping lightly across the room.

Jacob was tap dancing and Edward was ballet dancing.

More importantly, Jacob had on a kilt (*cough cough* man skirt) and Edward had a tutu (*cough cough cough* girl skirt)

"Can't beat me know, isn't that right blood-sucker!" Jacob challenged, his legs moving fast as the wind.

"You wish mutt!" Edward shot back, prancing with the best of them.

"So, what exactly is going on here?" Bella turn to the all too familiar voice.

"Oh, hey Victoria. How's it been? These two, well they are just annoying the crap outta me."

"Well that's good. Things seem normal enough." By now both boys had stop and were staring at the girls.

"Bella look out, she's trying to kill you?" Jacob said, well asked.

"Why would I do that?" Victoria giggled. "We had a girl's night out and everything. Bella did my nails so pretty!"

"I did do I good job, didn't I?"

"This is getting a little too odd for me, what do you guys think?" Laurent said, suddenly appearing.

"I agree." Edward said. "Ima call Alice, have her come pick me up."

And with that, Edward was gone.

(Loud speaker) "Edward Cullen has left the building!"

"NO EDWARD WE LOVE YOU!" A sudden scream broke out from, well who knows where a random fangirl can hide?

And then, a horde of fangirls, all in jeans and shirts that read 'We Heart U Edward!" ran after the car Edward had left in.

"Hey Bella, wanna go home and make-out?" Jacob asked.

"Alright." She agreed.

"Cool, can I join; we could make a really awesome three-some!"

"SHUT THE FIRETRUCK UP YOU GAY NEKO!"

"But the fans will LOVE us!"

**SLAP**

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You are all very welcome jk jk jk XD. No really, sorry it took so long to update, there should be one or two more chapters before I'm done. You can make what you wish of Jacob's Purrs. Review/ask and perhaps I will tell you what he said! XD

And neko is a word, in Japanese. It, however, makes no sense in this context :D

P.S. Who knew werewolves purred!


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